By: Emily Byers

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

How not to be a NY Jets fan

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This article is on elevator etiquette.  Let me preface by saying I am not bashing the misguided Jets fans I met in the elevator this weekend simply because they are obnoxious yankee scum.  I myself am guilty of carpetbagging into the great state of Florida.  No, this article is to inform the reader about how to either a) back up your team with facts rather than bluster or b) talk to a pretty girl without sounding like a complete a**hole.

First off, when you enter the elevator of a foreign city and see a young woman wearing a t-shirt with the mascot of the home team, it is not polite to sneer "You're ACTUALLY a Panthers fan???" while staring at her chest.  Yes, I know the Panthers have endured more trials than Hercules.  I know our best chance at a winning season this year is probably a cancelled season due to a massive military invasion...but that is the HOME TEAM, so it is not unusual to see its logo on occasion.

Without missing a beat I inquired "So are you from New York or New Jersey?"  It's not that people from New York and New Jersey are bad people...it's just that they're often Giants or Jets fans, which makes them arrogant for reasons that seem to have nothing to do with their seldom winning of their own divisions.  A non Giants/Jets fan would have begun with "So you like football?"  Also, they had ridiculously spiky, big hair.  I just knew.

For a reason I have yet to pinpoint, I also responded that I have season tickets to the Miami Dolphins.  "GOOD LUCK PLAYING THE JETS" they guffawed.  Yep, Jets.  I should have known better than to acknowledge them.  It probably doesn't matter that the Dolphins beat the Jets twice last year.  And yes, I'm jealous that the Jets made offseason moves to improve the team, instead of dumping everyone over thirty like a man with a midlife crisis.  But really...an over thirty, injury prone running back and a receiver who is suspended for four games does not the dream team of football make.  Instead of arguing, I politely asked "Do you think Sanchez can pull it together this year?"

(Arrogant, too-many-appletinis-before-noon laugh here)  "Well he did it last year!!!"  Umm...the Patriots won the division.  Yes, the Jets went to the AFC championship game on defense and the legs of Thomas Jones, who no longer wears green and white.  However, this is football and everyone knows almost doesn't count.  Ask Jake Delhomme after the playoff game with Arizona in 2008.

At this point I decided to get off on a floor five levels above my room.  Not only is taking the stairs a great form of exercise, but I was afraid "idiot fever" might be contagious.  Also, I hesitated to retort in fear that these deplorable gentlemen would be guests at my sister's wedding that evening...and the maid of honor is not supposed to tackle people by the mashed potato bar. 

As the doors opened I departed to the chant of "J-E-T-S"...to which my mind supplied the response "Suck Suck Suck."  Don't be like Jets fans.  An oversupply of hubris and appletinis is no way for a grown man to go through life.

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